Radical candour

The Harmony Trap: Why Avoiding Conflict Holds Leaders Back

Despite serving ten years in the British Army, I’ll be honest with you—I’m deeply uncomfortable with conflict.

My desire to maintain harmony is so strong that I’ve often made personal sacrifices just to avoid a difficult conversation. And if I’m being brutally honest, this tendency has followed me throughout my leadership journey—in teams, partnerships, and even as a parent.

It’s easy to put a positive spin on our shortcomings. We tell ourselves these traits are part of what make us great leaders. I used to tell myself that my harmony-seeking nature was a strength—that it helped me build trust and loyalty within teams.

And yes, it did help. But only some of the time.

Looking back, I’d say that belief held true maybe 50% of the time.

The rest? It slowed me down. It held my teams back. And at its worst, it created issues that could have been dealt with early—if only I’d had the courage to be more candid.

I suspect you know what I’m talking about…

It’s that minor issue you ignore. That bit of feedback you hold back because it might cause a ripple. The standard you let slip because you don’t want to seem harsh or overly critical.

And then, slowly but surely, the issue spreads. One person relaxes their standards. Others follow. Soon, it’s not just an individual problem—it’s a team, department, or even culture-wide issue.

By the time you can’t avoid it any longer, things have escalated. And when you finally act, it feels extreme to everyone else. Like you’ve jumped straight from “everything’s fine” to “the nuclear option”—and no one knows why.

The Leadership Wake-Up Call

I recently watched Kim Scott speak about Radical Candour, and her words hit me hard.

She described candid feedback not just as a leadership responsibility—but as a moral obligation. That stopped me in my tracks.

Because deep down, I’ve always believed that leadership is about service. About helping others grow and succeed. And yet, in avoiding difficult conversations, I’ve been doing the exact opposite.

By holding back uncomfortable truths, I wasn’t protecting people—I was failing them.

I wasn’t helping them see their blind spots. I wasn’t challenging them to improve. I wasn’t giving them the chance to be better. That’s not leadership. That’s avoidance dressed up as kindness.

And it doesn’t just affect individuals—it holds back whole teams.

What Happens When We Avoid the Hard Conversations

When leaders avoid conflict, teams follow suit.

People stop saying what they really think.

Discussions in meetings become superficial.

Innovation stalls.

And performance plateaus.

You cannot build a high-performing team without trust and challenge. And challenge means friction. Debate. Disagreement. Speaking the unspoken.

But that only happens if you lead the way.

Two Leadership Paths

As I see it, we all have a choice.

We can take the easy path—turning away from our blind spots and pretending not to see them.

We can carry on leading average teams, delivering average outcomes.

Or we can take the harder road—the one less travelled.

We can look in the mirror, face the discomfort, and choose to grow.

We can stretch beyond our comfort zone and become the kind of leader who truly serves those around us.

We can set the tone for courageous conversations and radical candour.

And in doing so, we unlock the full potential of our people.

Which path will you choose?

You don’t have to walk it alone.

If you’re wondering whether now is the right time for coaching, take my free Coaching Readiness Scorecard.

It’s a quick, insightful tool that will help you decide whether coaching is the right next step for your development as a leader.

Because the best leaders don’t wait until everything’s on fire to grow.

They take the harder path—before they’re forced to.

Your coach,