The Hidden Trap of Active Listening

Have you ever been in a conversation where someone nodded, said “yep” or “go on”… but you knew they weren’t really listening?

In this episode of The Leader’s Kitbag, I take a look at what real listening feels like for the person on the receiving end.

I unpack common “active listening” techniques we’ve all been taught, and explain why they’re not enough on their own.

You’ll learn:

• Why gestures like nodding and affirmations can feel hollow
• How to use paraphrasing and summarising to prove you’re listening
• The subtle pitfall of focusing too much on “looking like” a good listener
• The number one shift you need to stay fully present in conversation

If you want the people you lead to feel genuinely heard and understood, this short episode is packed with practical insight.

 

Need Support With Leadership Training, Coaching or a Conference Speaker?

If this episode resonated with you and you’re looking to strengthen your leadership culture, let’s talk.

Whether it’s a bespoke leadership programme, executive coaching, or a keynote that connects on a human level, I’d love to support you.

Drop me a line at chat@ben-morton.com or fill in the contact form on my website.

Let’s build leadership that listens — and leads.

Podcast Transcript: Are You Really Listening? 

Have you ever been speaking to someone and seen them nodding, saying things like “Yep,” “OK,” “Go on”… and yet you’ve got the overwhelming sense that they’re not actually listening? 

Yeah, me too. 

These micro-verbal cues, such as nods, “mm-hmms,” and affirmations, are all classic active listening behaviours. 

We’ve been taught they show people we’re listening. 

But here’s the thing… 

They don’t prove we’re listening. And they don’t help us actually hear the other person. 

For those of you in the UK, think of the Churchill dog nodding along in the back window of a car. You wouldn’t expect that to be listening, and yet we can behave just like it. 

So What Actually Works? 

If we want people to truly feel heard and understood, we’ve got to go beyond the gestures. 

Yes, we want open body language. Yes, small affirmations can help. 

But real listening requires more. 

Here are a few things that do make a difference: 

#1 Paraphrasing 

Don’t repeat what they said back to them like a parrot, instead, rephrase it in your own words. 

“So what I’m hearing is that X, Y and Z…” 

The fact that you can paraphrase shows you were listening, processing, and paying attention. 

#2. Summarising 

This is different from paraphrasing. 

It’s about pausing and recapping where you’ve got to in the conversation. Something like: 

“So I’m hearing the challenge you’re facing is [X].
This is how it’s affecting you and the team.
And so far we’ve explored two potential solutions — is that right?” 

That kind of summary helps both of you feel clearer, aligned, and focused. 

#3. Stay Present, Not Polished 

And this is the big one. 

The biggest trap of active listening is this: we get so focused on doing it right – the nods, the gestures, the open posture – that we shift our attention inward. 

We stop focusing on the person speaking and start focusing on ourselves. 

True listening requires presence. 

It means resisting the urge to rehearse what we’re going to say next. It means being in the moment, with the other person, fully. 

That’s what makes people feel heard.